


Star Wars The Clone Wars: The Great Clone Gamble

by EzraStardust



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Earth's History, Gen, Happy AU, Parody, Quiz Show - Freeform, don't ask me how the clones know so much about earth's history they just do ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 06:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12053100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EzraStardust/pseuds/EzraStardust
Summary: During a heated debate concerning history, Fives and Hevy make a deal: they and six other clones will participate in Obi-Wan Kenobi's quiz show, Pointless History. The winner will be the new leader of the Domino Squad. The loser will have to fill his helmet with coleslaw and eat it. Who is it to be?





	Star Wars The Clone Wars: The Great Clone Gamble

**Author's Note:**

> So I know this seems a little cringey guys, but tbh this was the first TCW fanfic I ever wrote so don't judge XD. I did quite a bit of research to come up with the questions for the quiz, all of which are actual facts, btw. History is crazy :D Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy it ^^

_It is a time of great upheaval. During a heated debate about who was the most experienced in battle, the Clone Troopers quickly descended into an argument surrounding their history, their original, JANGO FETT and history in general._

_After numerous name-calling jousts and a handful of slappy fights, Fives and Hevy made a deal (involving Rex and Cody in the process) which will ultimately have a tremendous impact on the grand army of the Republic…_

“For the last time!” Shouted Hevy. “Five-alive, when will you accept that I’m better than you?” “Are not!” “Am too!” “Are not!” “Am too!” Echo looked up from his book and rolled his eyes. Fives and Hevy had been in a heated debate for about half the evening.

They wouldn’t stop trying to out-awesome each other with tales of their skill in battle. The tales were getting taller and taller down the line. For example, Fives had insisted he was able to arm-wrestle a Rancor, which provoked Hevy to say he’d wrestled 5 Rancors, served them up as burgers and kissed a Twi’lek for good measure!

“I’m better,” Hevy announced. “Because I was one of the first clones to be produced from the DNA of Jango Fett!” Every clone in the room gasped. Even though it wasn’t true, it really stung! Fives glared at his rival. “Huh, I bet he’s turning in his grave, then,” he said.

“OMG, you did _not_ go _there_!” Hevy squeaked. “Take that!” He poked Fives, which led to Fives poking him and within a matter of minutes they were all caught in a full scale poke fight.

“What do you know about Jango Fett, anyway?” Asked Fives, once they’d ceased fighting from sheer exhaustion. “I know more than you think, Channel Five,” Hevy grunted. “Sure,” Fives smirked. “As if _you_ knew about Mandalorian history!”

Hevy was taken aback. “But-but I do!” He spluttered. “I know my history as well as my weapons, Johnny 5!” Cutup, who’d been observing the conflict, laughed. “I’d like to see you win a history quiz show, then!” he said.

A light bulb switched on in Echo’s mind. “Fives,” he said excitedly. “I have a plan!” “Oh, great,” groaned Cody. “That’s the four words society hates most,” “Just hear me out,” said Echo. “About the whole quiz thing; you know the show Pointless History?”

“Yeah?” everyone murmured. “Well, why don’t we all compete in it to see who’s the best at history?” Echo suggested. “Yeah,” murmured Hevy. “I like the sound of that. Tell you what, Fives,” he said. “What say we make it a bit more interesting?”

“Are you suggesting we bet on it?” asked Fives. “Not with credits,” said Hevy craftily. “The winner will get to be the new leader of the Domino Squad,” There was a resounding gasp of excitement from everyone else. “And the loser?” asked Fives.

“Here’s the dealio,” said Hevy with a smug tone. “If the loser gets so much as one question wrong, they have to, um...fill their helmet with coleslaw and eat it!” “Oooooooh,” murmured Echo and the others.

Fives thought for a moment. “Ok, deal,” he said. He and Hevy high-fived, did a fist bump and both shouted “Utinni!” (the secret handshake of the Domino Squad). Echo was relieved to finally get some peace and quiet.

\-----The next morning-----

As soon as everyone was up, Fives and his team began planning. Echo placed a number of printed internet pages on the briefing table. “Ok, I’ve done my research,” he said. “Pointless History: Rules: Four teams of two can compete. In other words, only 8 of us will be on the show.”

“Got it,” said Fives. “You and I can go. Hevy, you ok going with Cutup?” “Sure,” Hevy shrugged. “I’m all for it,” Grinned Cutup. “Rex, Cody, you’re team number 3,” said Fives. “Sir, yes, sir!” Cody and Captain Rex both saluted.

“Right, we just need two more men,” said Echo. Tup stepped forward. “I volunteer!” He announced. “Anyone wanna go with Tup?” Asked Fives. There was a brief silence and then 99, the maintenance clone, limped beside Tup. “C-Can I do it?” He asked. Fives smiled. “Yes, you can,” he said. “Hooray!” Everyone cheered.

“And that is that,” said Rex. “We all have our assigned teams, now we just need to find Obi-Wan Kenobi,” “Why?” Asked Tup. Cutup rolled his eyes. “He hosts the show, Tup Cat,” he said. “Oh…” murmured Tup. “I see.”

While he was meditating in the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi heard an insistent knock on the door. Opening it, he was surprised to see 8 clone troopers standing there. Captain Rex stepped forward and said calmly: “We request to be on Pointless History today.”

Obi-Wan was slightly taken aback, but kept his cool. “Well, er, I don’t see why not,” he said. “Yaaaaaay!” Cheered the clones. “Now, just tell us what we have to do,” said Cody.

\-----That evening, on the show-----

An orchestral version of the Star Wars theme began playing and the camera zoomed in on Obi-Wan as the audience cheered. “Greetings, Coruscant! I’m your host, Obi-Wan Kenobi and welcome to Pointless History!”

Another eruption of applause. “We have some special guests on this show tonight, all of them being clone troopers! Introducing...Team 1: Fives and Echo!” Fives and Echo both saluted as everyone clapped. “Team 2: Hevy and Cutup!” Hevy was confident that he would win.

“Team 3: Rex and Cody! And last but not least, Team 4: Tup and 99!” Obi-Wan announced. “There will be 3 rounds and 5 questions in each. That makes a total of 15. The teams with the highest score of correctly answered questions will be the winner. Let’s begin!”

There was a sound like a trumpet fanfare and the huge screen behind Obi-Wan lit up. A recorded voice announced: “Round 1!” Obi-Wan read the question out as the words “True?” and “False?” appeared on the screen. “King George I of England was from Germany. True or false?”

The clones all thought for a moment. “Have you all decided?” Asked Obi-Wan. “True!” said Fives. “False!” said Hevy. “False!” said Cody. “True!” said Tup. “This is the best day ever,” Cutup whispered to Hevy.

“Teams 1 and 4, you are correct!” Obi-Wan announced. “Can’t say the same to 2 and 3, though.” Hevy groaned. “Come on, Cutup, we gotta get it together!” he whispered. Obi-Wan read the second question as the possible answers appeared onscreen: “In 1838, the president of Mexico, Antonio Lopez, ordered a military burial for who? His father? His son? His brother? Or his own leg?”

“His son!” said Echo. “His father!” said Hevy. “His own leg!” said Tup and Rex in unison. “Teams 3 and 4 are correct!” said Obi-Wan. “Antonio’s leg was critically injured by a cannonball, so he had it amputated and gave it a most gracious funeral!”

“Crikey,” muttered 99. “Now I really do know everything!” “Dang it!” Groaned Hevy. “Question 3 coming up!” said Obi-Wan. “Which animal attacked Napoleon Bonaparte? A wolf, a leopard, a bear or a rabbit?”

The teams made their choices. Fives went for the least likely answer. “A rabbit!” he said, provoking bouts of laughter from the audience. “A wolf!” said Hevy. “I think it was a rabbit,” said Rex. “A bear?” Tup shrugged.

“Well done, 1 and 3, you are correct!” Obi-Wan gave the clones a thumbsup. “Napoleon was indeed attacked by a rabbit! Believe me, it was not a good day for him!” “Darn it!” said Hevy.

“Question four!” Obi-Wan read: “The Roman emperor Caligula made his prized horse a senator. True or false?” Everyone except for Tup said false. “Hmm,” said Obi-Wan, stroking his beard. “Interestingly, Team 4, you are correct! Caligula’s best stallion was indeed a renowned Roman senator!”

“Blimey,” said 99. “And I thought Senator Binks was a nut job!” Rex couldn’t help but laugh. “Now for the final question before we hit round 2!” said Obi-Wan. “The Anglo-Zanzibar War is the shortest war in history. How long did it last? A:  A week, B: A month, or C: 38 minutes?”

“If only wars were that short,” Echo sighed. “I guess, about 38 minutes?” he and Fives both asked. “Same as team 1,” said 99. “A week,” said Rex. “A month!” said Cutup confidently.

“Teams 1 and 4 are correct again!” said an impressed Obi-Wan. “The war only lasted under 40 minutes before it was ended by peaceful negotiations.” Hevy pinched the bridge of his nose. “Cutup, you really live up to your name,” he grumbled.

“The score for Round 1 is as follows: Team 1: ⅗ Team 2: 0 Team 3: ⅕ Team 4: ⅘ !” Announced a recorded voice. “Prepare for Round 2!” The audience applauded as Obi-Wan prepared to read out question 6. “Which of these three famous people invented photoshop? Albert Einstein, Galileo, or Joseph Stalin?” Having learned from his experiences, Hevy thought about which option was the least likely.

“Einstein!” said Echo. “Galileo!” said Hevy. “Stalin!” said Rex. “Hmm, uh, I agree with team 3,” said Tup slowly. “Teams 3 and 4 are correct!” said Obi-Wan. “Joseph Stalin used to have photos of his officers retouched whenever one of them was executed.”

Cutup winced. “What a way not to be remembered!” “I’m pretty sure they’re setting me up to fail!” Hevy spoke through gritted teeth as the next question was displayed onscreen. “Which famous pop star came up with the concept of the internet? Prince, David Bowie, or Madonna?”

All teams spoke at once. “David Bowie!” Fives, Hevy and Rex called in unison. “Prince!” said Tup. “Sorry, team 4, but it was indeed David Bowie who came up with the original concept for the internet!” Obi-Wan declared.

“Yes, finally! I got something right!” Hevy punched his fist in the air. The crowd rippled with laughter. Things were looking up, it seemed, but question 8 caught them all off guard. “True or false? George Washington famously cut down a cherry tree in his youth.”

The clones all thought very hard. They knew it would be something unexpected, but what to expect? “Um, true?” the first three teams asked. “False?” 99 was purely guessing, but then so where the others. “Team 4, you must be psychic!” Obi-Wan gave them a mini-applause. “It’s a historical fact that George Washington didn’t cut down a cherry tree at all!”

“Aw, just when things seemed easy!” Hevy pouted. “Don’t give up yet, men!” said Rex. “We must be strong!” Another bout of laughter came from the audience as the clones took on question 9. “The most successful pirate was from which country: A: France, B: Canada, C: China, or D: America?”

Rex was the first to respond. “China!” “China!” Agreed Tup. “China!” said Fives. “America!” announced Cutup. “Teams 1, 3 and 4 are correct: the most successful pirate in history was a former maid from China. She commanded 1,500 ships and 80, 000 sailors!”

Obi-Wan was clearly having the time of his life. Every clone except for Hevy was as well. Cutup didn’t mind whether he won or lost; he was actually kind of partial to coleslaw.

“Now for the final question before we move on to the challenges of round 3: Hitler’s first love was Jewish. True or false?” Obi-Wan was just as excited as the audience. There was a brief silence as the clones thought hard. Then, they gave their answers.

“True!” said Echo. “False!” said Hevy. “False!” said Cody. “True!” said Tup. “Teams 1 and 4, you never cease to amaze me!” Obi-Wan’s words were followed by a huge round of applause.

A recorded voice announced: “The final scores for Round 2 are as follows: Team 1: 6/10! Team 2: 1/10! Team 3: 4/10! Team 4: 8/10! Prepare for the challenge: Round 3!” By now, the tension was thick and each clone had their fingers crossed.

Question 11 was read out: “Queen Victoria received a large piece of cheese as a wedding gift. How much did it weigh? 3 pounds, 2 ounces, or half a tonne?” “Half a tonne!” Echo called. “Two ounces!” Hevy was practically pleading. “3 pounds!” said Cody. “Half a tonne!” 99 and Tup spoke in unison.

“1 and 4 have done it again, people!” Obi-Wan announced. “I love it!” “We’re movin’ on up!” cheered Fives. “Yay!” Hevy looked like a thundercloud. Even Cutup was oblivious to his misery.

“Question number 12 coming right up!” Obi-Wan was over the moon. “Which body modification did Shakespeare have? A piercing, a tattoo, dyed hair or a dental implant?” “Piercing?” Fives guessed. “Dyed hair…?” Hevy whimpered. “A piercing.” Rex was on a roll. “A piercing!” Tup was also on a roll.

“Ooh, it really isn’t team 2’s lucky day, is it?” said Obi-Wan. “The three other teams are bang-on right!” Hevy winced at the thought of the coleslaw he’d have to eat once he and the others got back to Kamino. He’d never live it down.

The next question appeared before them: “True or false? Henry VIII kept a polar bear locked up in the Tower of London.” “False!” Echo, Cutup and Rex had to stifle laughter as they gave their answers. 99 struggled to contain his mirth. “Heh, I’m guessing it’s true…?” he giggled.

“Yes, it is!” Obi-Wan grinned. The audience’s cheers were mingled with laughter at the absurdity of the fact. “And here it is, folks, the question before last!” Obi-Wan just about recovered from his laughing fit as he read out question 14. “Painting was an Olympic event: true or false?”

Adjusting their thinking caps, the clones answered. “True!” “True!” “False!” True!” “It is indeed true!” said Obi-Wan. “Now for it, people! This is the big one! The final question! In 1945, British tanks contained machines to make: A: Tea, B: Crumpets, C: Grilled cheese.”

Everyone held their breath as the clones made their choice. “TEA!” They all shouted. “CORRECT!” Cheered Obi-Wan. “HOORAY!” The crowd went nuts! “Ok, everyone, let’s see who’s the winner!” Obi-Wan was just about heard as the recorded voice announced who’d won.

“And the winner is...Team 4! With 13 out of 15 correct!” Everyone began cheering. Fives realised what this meant: Tup was now leader of the Domino Squad. He and the other clones (Hevy joined in despite his despondance) began cheering. “Tup! Tup! Tup!”

“In second place, we have team 1, with 10 out of 15 correct!” “Whoooo!” Rex cheered, giving Fives a pat on the back. “You done good, Fives!” “Team 3 has 5 out of 15 correct!” “Well done, people!” Echo gave Cody and Rex man hugs. “And team 2 are last, with only 3 out of 15 correct!”

“Hey, you did your best, Hevy,” 99 smiled. Hevy sighed. “Yeah, I guess,” he said. The clones rejoiced as Obi-Wan bade them farewell. “May the Force be with you!”

\-----The next morning, back on Kamino-----

“Morning, Fives! Morning, Echo!” Rex grinned. “How you guys doing?” “That was the best fun I’ve had in ages!” said Fives. “Congratulations to Tup!” Echo sighed. “I still kinda wish we could’ve won,” he admitted. “Eh, don’t take it so hard. Cody and I didn’t do as well as you guys.” said Rex supportively.

“And look on the bright side; at least Hevy still had to keep his end of the bargain.” “Oh, yes, I’d forgotten,” Fives immediately perked up. “Where is he?” Asked Echo. “He’s over there,” Rex pointed. “Cody’s making sure he does his duty!”

Hevy was standing outside his room, with a crowd of clones gathered around him. He had his upturned helmet in one hand and a fork in the other. Cody was standing beside him, tapping his foot. Hevy was literally grey.

“Oh, must I?” he whined. “Come on, Hevy,” chuckled Cody. “Don’t be a sore loser. Eat up.” Hevy scooped a lump of coleslaw out of his helmet and reluctantly swallowed it. Everyone laughed with delight.


End file.
